


Babies (and Other Things at Which We Are Rubbish)

by faerymorstan



Series: Biscuitverse [4]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Humor, Johnlockary - Freeform, Multi, Parenthood, Parentlock, Polyamory, Sexting, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-04-03
Packaged: 2018-01-15 19:55:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1317313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faerymorstan/pseuds/faerymorstan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John, Mary, Sherlock, and Shaun are a very happy and totally normal family thank you very much the end.</p><p>  <b>John, don't you think you'd better tell them the truth? They're about to find out, anyway.--SH</b> </p><p>  <b>What? That IS the truth.--JW</b></p><p>  <b>Hullo darlings. Just got home with the shit volcano. Oh! And Sherlock, where do you want these toenails? I know you don't want them going all mushy like the last ones.--MMW</b></p><p>  <b>... I'll change it straight away.--JW</b></p><p>  <b>Good man.--SH</b></p><p>John, Mary, Sherlock, and Shaun are rubbish at life. At least they have each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Short, Blond Clam

**Author's Note:**

  * For [strangelock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangelock/gifts).



> Mary goes out with Molly, John goes to a butter, and Sherlock goes to the doghouse.
> 
> Many thanks to strangelock for bouncing ideas, clarifying inclarity, and humoring my angst/flailing/giggling/general writer-ness. This story wouldn't've happened without her. A++ very excellent twinfriend would twinfriend again. <3

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John!**

**A case!**

**An eight!**

**A murder! :D**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**About time.**

**If I have to examine one more verruca, I may actually die of boredom.**

**Where should I meet you?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Canary Wharf. I’ll meet you at the Tube station.**

**Gaston’s making sure no one touches the scene before we get there.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I’ll leave as soon as I can.**

**Wait. Aren’t you watching Shaun tonight?**

**And who the hell is Gaston?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Meeting Sherlock at Bart’s.**

**Not sure whether we’ll make it home tonight.**

**There’s been a butter!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**A butter?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Won’t be home.**

**Case! Eight! Murder! :D**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Don’t worry about Shaun. I’ve made arrangements.**

**Gaston Lestrade. The silvery one at the Met? Gives us cases?**

**_Honestly_ ** **, John.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**What about Shaun?**

**You promised you’d watch him tonight, and I’m already out with Molly.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**John, are you drunk?**

**At work??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh for god’s sake.**

**His name is—no, you know what? Sod it.**

**You obviously don’t care, or you’re taking the piss, or both.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**MURDER JESUS HELL AUTOCORRECT**

**And not drunk. Just fired.**

***Tried**

**Shit fuck arse taint bollocks**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Don’t you worry about a thing.**

**I’ve made arrangements.**

**Shaun’s as happy as a short, blond clam.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**…**

**I’m sorry.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**That is a profoundly disturbing mental image.**

**Worse, I find it comforting.**

**I blame sugar deprivation.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Good luck at your butter.**

**Try to get some sleep tonight, if you can.**

**I love you.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Shit.**

**Don’t be sorry.**

**I shouldn’t’ve snapped at you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I SAID I WAS SORRY**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Love you too. Have fun with Molly.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**It’s all right.**

**We’ve none of us been our best lately.**

**We should take a family holiday after this case.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**‘SORRY’ DOESN’T BRING BACK MY CHOCOLATE BREAD**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Wait, *you’re* suggesting that we take a holiday?**

**Sorry, been delayed, I have to de-fib myself before I leave.**

**And yeah, I agree. Holiday. Us. Soon.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**If we all go on holiday after this case, will you forgive me?**

**Even if my libido remains… absent?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Even if I still don’t want to have sex?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Darling, I married you when I thought you were gay.**

**No pressure, all right?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock, I killed for you before I knew your real name.**

**Whatever you want, whatever time you need, it’s yours.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**South Downs? Seaside?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**South Downs? Seaside?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Brilliant.**

**See you soon.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Brilliant.**

**Good luck with your eight. Love you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Tell Molly the toenails were disappointing.**

**I require more, and this time, they should be from big toes _only_.**

**The little ones mush together in the crisper. Utterly useless.**

**Also I love you too.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You old romantic.**

**I’ll tell her.**

**Some other time, when she’s *not* getting a pedicure.**

*

 

From: Greg Lestrade

To: Mary Morstan Watson

[File attached: DI_Shaun_asleep_on_the_job.jpg]

**You know, I’m not surprised that you lot want your kid to go into crime solving, but I never thought you’d start him this early… ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**WILLIAM SHERLOCK SCOTT HOLMES WHY IS MY BABY AT A MURDER**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**IT WAS AN EIGHT**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**YOU SAID YOU’D MADE ARRANGEMENTS**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I DID**

**WHY ARE WE YELLING**

**I did.**

**Shaun is indeed arranged—in perfect comfort, in fact.**

**He’s sleeping like a four-month-old rock.**

**In the Snugli.**

**On my chest.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**I am going to kill you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Do recall that statistically speaking, you _will_ regret it. **

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**HOW COULD YOU LET HIM DO THIS**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**He told me he ‘made arrangements.’**

**I didn’t know he meant ‘I’m bringing a diaper bag to the crime scene.’**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Are you upset?**

**I could remind you of my many redeeming qualities.**

**You know, in case you were momentarily struggling to recall them.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’m coming to get Shaun.**

**Poor Molly is being lovely about it, but still.**

**> : (**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m intelligent.**

**The second-smartest man in London, in fact.**

**And the smartest who is even remotely marriage material, considering that you REALLY don’t want to wed Mycroft or his oversized collection of brollies.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**We’re almost done here.**

**Meet me at the Met. I’ll bring Shaun with me.**

**Sherlock and Greg are following up on a lead.**

**Something about a fingerprint on a Violet Crumble?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m delightfully funny.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh my God, my baby is four months old and I already have to pick him up from the police station.**

**I _knew_ I was going to be a rubbish mother.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Relentlessly charming.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**To be fair, Shaun has three rubbish parents, not just you.**

**Anyway the police keep saying what a sweetheart he is and taking pictures on their mobiles.**

**Gaston must think there’s hope for him yet.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Alarmingly shaggable.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Gaston??**

**OH.**

**Our husband, I swear....**

**See you and our little clam soon.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Don’t worry, I’m not going to panic.**

**No. That’s a lie.**

**I am panicking and really why shouldn’t I because I’ve ruined everything forever and you’re never speaking to me again because you hate me because I am terrible oh God what have I done.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You’re not terrible.**

**Some of your decisions are, but never you.**

**Have fun.**

**Solve the murder.**

**Come home.**

**♥**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Quite right.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Our little clam??**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I would explain, but I promise, it won’t help.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I am married to mad people.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Says the man who left work early because there was a butter.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**We’re going to Sussex without you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Have fun with the 3am feeding!**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**How would you like to come to Sussex with us?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Darling!**

**I’ll bring my kilt. :D**


	2. Captain Anger Management Issues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John can't tell bread from babies, Mary loves a soldier (but isn't a nice girl), and Sherlock sleeps--and wakes--like a rock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we all (oh I hope I hope) knew this was an AU all along; in this chapter/story, I've sort of tweaked HLV to keep Mary's less-than-squeaky-clean past without keeping the parts I find narratively inexplicable on the part of the show writers (like, y'know, Mary shooting Sherlock in the chest... little things like that.) So if you can stomach a Mary who was an assassin but never shot Sherlock, awesome, c'mon in, and if not, I totally don't blame you, back button's up there *points*. I wish you tea and biscuits wherever you end up.
> 
> Also, I was gonna post this on Saturday, but I finished early, so here you go. Hopefully I'll crank out another chapter to post on Saturday. :)
> 
> Also also, this chapter marks the beginning, and probably not the end, of the return of sexting. So. You know. You've been warmed. *WARNED.* Good god, I'm turning into John.

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Good morning, Short Husband!**

**You and the little clam enjoying your walk?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, we are, but wait wait wait.**

**‘Short Husband’?**

**Why ‘Short’?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Sorry, dear, but have you _seen_ Sherlock?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**You know, I’m different to him in other ways, too.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Anger Management Issues Husband?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’M WORKING ON IT**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**By yelling at me when I point it out?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh god, you’re tight.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**?**

**Not since Shaun, darling.**

**Would say you’re confusing me with Sherlock, but it’s been ages.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**RIGHT**

**Not tight.**

**Sorry. So sorry.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**It’s all tight. ;)**

**Hmm. What else…**

**Oh My God Look At The Size Of That Thing How Is *That* Cock Attached To *That* Man Husband?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**God, what a mouthful.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**You’re telling me.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**:o**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**More like :O**

**How about Captain Husband?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**All the nice girls love a soldier, or so Sherlock once told me….**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Too bad you didn’t marry any nice girls. ;)**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I thought I did, you know.**

**Marry a nice girl.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’m *sorry*.**

**Truly.**

**Still.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**It’s all right.**

**Truth be told, accidentally seeing my three-months-pregnant wife put a bullet between a sack-of-shit blackmailer’s eyes?**

**Kind of a turn-on.**

**No. That’s a lie, and we’re not doing those, right?**

**That was a major turn-on.**

**Once I got past the shock, anyway.**

**Also the blinding rage.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Of course, yeah.**

**I’ll never stop being grateful that you and Sherlock accepted and protected me, after.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**It was a perfect shot.**

**Impossible for me not to be impressed, really.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**♥**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Anyway.**

**Weather’s gorgeous. You forget in the city that there’s this much sky.**

**Shaun keeps staring at the sea.**

**His eyes are the same colour as yours.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**:)**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**You know, I knew I would love him, but I didn’t expect to like him so much.**

**He’s very easy to get along with. Always smiling.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He’s got a contagious little laugh, doesn’t he?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, and he makes the funniest faces.**

**Like yours, but tiny.**

**I thought infants were more like bread.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**…**

**Please tell me that’s one of your typos.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**What? No.**

**I thought babies were… you know.**

**Like loaves of bread.**

**Small.**

**Bland.**

**Squishy.**

**But Shaun’s got loads of personality. He’s fantastic.**

**Think you’d want to try for another?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**God yes, as long as you’ll be able to tell it apart from my sourdough starter.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Ha, ha.**

**How are you and His Nibs?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Good. I’m drinking coffee (thanks for putting it on before you left) and finishing the crossword puzzle.**

**That’ll piss off His Highness, when he deigns to wake up.**

**He hasn’t moved since he faceplanted into bed the moment we got in yesterday.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m surprised we didn’t wake him this morning….**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He went straight to a seaside holiday from a week of casework, of course he’s knackered.**

**I needn’t’ve bothered with the pillow. ;)**

**I’m so proud of both of you.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**It was a hell of a case, wasn’t it?**

**He was brilliant.**

***Is*.**

**God, I’m arse-over-tits for him, aren’t I?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Have been since I met you, darling.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Think he’d want to be the father, next time?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I hope so. No offence. ;)**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**None taken.**

**I hope so, too.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**We’ll ask him when he wakes up.**

**Now quit texting me and go ‘embrace the region’s natural beauty’ or whatever it was the brochure was going on about.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Eh.**

**I embraced loads of natural beauty before I got out of bed this morning.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Flattery will get you nowhere, Captain Husband.**

**No. That’s a lie. Flattery will get you into my pyjamas any day.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Bugger nature. Turning around now.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**:D**

*****

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Um.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**His Nibs woke up.**

**As did his libido, apparently.**

**He’d already done away with my pyjamas, fingered me halfway to coming, and buried his face between my legs before I told him that you and I want another baby, and we want him to be the father.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Jesus, I wish I’d seen you two.**

**And?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**JOHN**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He shagged me into the mattress.**

**Without a condom.**

**Twice.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Come back.**

**IMMEDIATELY.**

**Bring your cock.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**SERIOUSLY WHY DID I NOT GET TO SEE THAT**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Could take a while, I’m still breastfeeding, but I’d say that’s a pretty resounding ‘yes,’ wouldn’t you?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah. Yeah, I’d say that.**

**Almost back.**

**Which, thank God, because having a hard-on while walking behind a pushchair?**

**Very, very uncomfortable in more ways than one.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Almost there.**

**Wait for me. Don’t touch yourself.**

**That’s an order.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Shaun’ll need to be fed when you get here.**

**I’ll take care of him so you can go straight (ha) to Sherlock. ;)**

**I’ll join you once I get Shaun down for his nap….**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**You are a *saint*.**

**See you in a few minutes.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**xoxo**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**HURRY**

**… Captain. ;)**


	3. The Science of Wanking Husbands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John, Sherlock, and Mary prepare for their first Father's Day as parents. By arguing. Like adults. Mostly. Ish. Minus the wobblies. 
> 
> Also, sexting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very, very NSFW. :O

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**All right, husbands.**

**Holiday’s over. Father’s Day looms.**

**What do you want, fathers of one-and-who-knows-maybe-two?**

**Lab equipment? Scotch? Another set of matching jumpers?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**NO MORE JUMPERS.**

**That’s an ORDER.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Please. As though you’ll ever top the dancing reindeer.**

**And isn’t John home with you and Shaun?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yes, but talking this way’s easier than me having to type ‘John said…’ every other minute.**

**The jumpers were supposed to be a *punishment*!**

**Neither of you managed to name a single thing you wanted for Christmas, so….**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes. I can see how ‘I bought you matching dancing woolen reindeer wear’ is the logical completion of that sentence.**

**Elegant, Mary.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**:p**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**;)**

**Really, if Shaun doesn’t bathe me in effluvia, I will consider it a gift of the highest order.**

**As for you two: Mary, I want you to pin my wrists against my back and fuck me from behind.**

**John, while Mary’s doing that, I want you to come in my mouth and pull my hair.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Well well well.**

**Happy Father’s Day to me.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**And to me.**

**John?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I think you broke him.**

**He made a sort of ‘hrnngh’ sound, dropped his mobile, and hurried upstairs mumbling about mad bastard husbands.**

**Which I think is a bit rich, considering that I have twice as many of them than he does.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Twenty pounds says he’s having a wank.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Funny, I think it’s the headboard banging against the wall that says he’s having a wank.**

  
From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I see you've been studying the science of deduction.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I've been studying the science of wanking husbands.**

**The best part is, you both think you're so good at hiding it.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I _am_  good at hiding it!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock Holmes, you're as bad as John 'One Hour Bath' Watson.**

**I know those extra minutes in the shower truly are ‘because I require a special conditioning crème to preserve the integrity of the curl structure, which is very delicate, thank you,’ but I _also_ know that you aren't just standing in the water, musing about criminals.**

**Well.**

**I suppose you _are_ , in a way, but....**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I despise you.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**:-***

**Oops, John's come down again.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**‘That’?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yes.**

**That.**

**That is what I want for Father’s Day.**

**So.**

**I guess we’ll have to do it twice.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Nope?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Nope.**

**We can do it twice, of course, if you so desire, but that’s not what you want.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**No, Sherlock, it is.**

**It really, really is.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Mmm… no.**

**You prefer it when we have sex on our sides, Mary’s back to you, your upper leg (usually your left because you rarely lie on your left side—smart move, bad shoulder) over hers to increase the depth to which I can penetrate you.**

**Though you have not yet demonstrated a preference for cock, fingers, or tongue.**

**May have to alternate between them until a clear victor emerges.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**John’s stumbled upstairs again.**

**I’m going to be stuck listening to that damned headboard all afternoon, aren’t I?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**As a certain wife of mine might say, :-***

 

*

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Darling? Are you coming down?**

**John and I have Shaun settled in the car.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**My. Aren’t you the happy family.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We would be if you’d get your arse down here.**

**You’re not getting out of this, Sherlock.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Why not?**

**I assure you that I am more than capable of incapacitating whichever minion Mycroft has sent to kidnap us.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**We’re not being kidnapped, Drama Queen, we’re going to spend Father’s Day at your parents’.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Don’t you want to come?**

**Even though you and John are stuck on the rear-facing bench.**

**Car seat needed the regular one. Sorry.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**My parents will be there.**

**And Mycroft.**

**MYCROFT.**

**Doesn’t matter where I have to sit. Of course I don’t want to come.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**That’s not what you said this morning.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**He’s right.**

**I distinctly recall you begging John to let you come, in fact.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**RUDE.**

**And _not_ what I meant.**

**In any event, you’d beg, too, if Captain Tinyhands spent fifteen minutes taunting _your_ prostate only to tell you that ‘it’s time we stopped fooling around, Sherlock, your brother’s car will be here any minute.’ **

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Captain Tinyhands?!**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You’re a Captain, and you have tiny hands.**

**I hardly think it takes a genius of my calibre to piece it together.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**If you’re such a genius, why are you sulking like a damn teenager and making us late to your parents’?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I WAS PROMISED SEX**

**I RECEIVED AN ARSE-TAUNTING**

**WHAT PART OF THIS WOBBLY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND**

**Also you’re an idiot who thinks that I should spend Father’s Day with my father.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**WE CAN HAVE ALL THE SEX YOU WANT LATER BUT WE HAVE TO GO MOW**

***MOD**

****NOW****

**AAAAAAAAAAAAAH**

**Anyway.**

**You should spend Father’s Day with your son, who you’ve seemed perfectly content to ignore this morning.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Yes, well.**

**It occurred to me that I should stop confusing him.**

**As far as the law is concerned, I’m only pretending to be his father.**

**And your husband.**

**The papers were right: I _am_ a fake.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**As if you of all people care whether something is legal.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**STOP IT. Both of you.**

**Sherlock, get down here IMMEDIATELY or so help me God I will tell Mycroft every last sordid detail of your Father’s Day request.**

**John, he’s _hurting_. If you can’t talk to him without being a colossal shit, don’t. Bloody. Talk.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry.**

**Coming down now.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Guess we got him the right Father’s Day gifts….**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, if he’ll shut up and listen long enough for us to tell him about them.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**-_-**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Sorry.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**It’s all right.**

**You both look very sweet like that.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**He’s figured out that if he lays his head in my lap after a row, I can’t glare at him.**

**Well, I can, but he can’t see it.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He can feel you stroking his hair, though.**

**I love watching you two apologise to each other.**

**Anyway, we should stop texting. His Nibs looks suspicious.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Okay.**

**Sorry I was such an arsehole.**

**Looking forward to tonight.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**xoxo**

**;)**


	4. Gaylord!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John chats with Gerald-Geoff-Gunther, Mary wants to talk about (eurgh) _feelings_ , and Sherlock learns things he didn't ask to hear. Or want to.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Spouses.**

**What you did.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yes, love?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**For one thing, you convinced Mycroft to do something useful.**

**That’s impressive in and of itself.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, Sherlock. It wasn’t so hard, really.**

**We convinced him that the stress of not being, legally, our spouse or Shaun’s father was interfering with your health.**

**Which, given the evidence, wasn’t too hard a sell. :(**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You know him. He said a bunch about ‘matter of national security’ into a bunch of very posh ears and loved every self-important minute of it.**

**Got you special dispensations.**

**Legal and everything. :)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**But you planned the wedding ceremony.**

**And surprised me with it.**

**And it was… lovely.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Of course Mary and I planned it.**

**We created a monster when we let you help with the last one. No way were we going through THAT again, Mr. ‘No, John, that’s LILAC.’**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**IT *WAS* LILAC**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**:p**

**You should’ve seen your parents light up when we asked if they’d host. They helped with the planning, kept suggesting things they knew you’d like.**

**Wish either of my parents’d cared that much about understanding me.**

**Anyway. You were saying?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You made vows.**

**To me.**

**In front of our family and friends.**

**I am… no.**

**I feel….**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Darling, you *could* come talk to us.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Can’t. Hudders has me cornered.**

**Won’t stop talking about Mr. H and their wild honeymoon sex.**

**One of you.**

**Both of you.**

**Anyone at all.**

**Save me.**

**Please.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh God. Now I’m imagining *our* wild honeymoon sex… ^_^**

**Awkward, since your dad and I are keeping Shaun entertained.**

**Your dad is still stupidly happy to be a grandad, by the way.**

**He and Shaun are making the sweetest faces at each other.**

**Anyway, you were saying?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**No wild honeymoon sex unless you help me.**

**NOW.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Nonsense.**

**You're gagging for it. You’ve been looking down my dress all afternoon.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You are insufferable.**

**As is seeing your breasts in that dress without being able to touch them.**

**John?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, I’m fine. Mary and I sneaked off for a quick snog and a grope earlier.**

**Didn’t want to interrupt your talk with Hudders.**

**;)**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**TRAITORS.**

**She is currently regaling me with tales of her late husband’s refractory period.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Ha!**

**You should see your face.**

**Greg thinks I ought to rescue you “since he’s basically a princess, anyway.”**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Greg?**

**Who’s Greg??**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my god.**

**Geraint. Gustav. Gaylord.**

**Who knows, anymore.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Stop trying to distract us, Sherlock. You were going to tell us about your feelings.**

**And you’ve got two spouses who know how to get you to talk.**

**O: )**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Better yet, you know how to make me scream.**

**OH!**

**Gaylord!**

**Honestly, John.**

**Is remembering the poor man’s name too much to ask?**

**And you may rescue me in any manner you see fit, so long as you do in fact rescue me.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I do love your murder sounds, even when they’re stifled.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**‘Any manner’ I see fit?**

**On my way.**

**Brace yourself. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I will not be stifling them tonight.**

**Must exact revenge on Hudders.**

**I will, naturally, require you two to assist me.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**If by ‘assist me’ you mean ‘make me come screaming until I collapse between you in a sweaty, satisfied, lubricated heap,’ I think that can be arranged.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I do love that you understand me.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**:-***

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**:-***

**Oh thank God.**

**John’s carrying me upstairs.**

**Suspect I am to be deflowered.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Close your eyes and think of England.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Anything for Queen and country.**

**;)**

 

*

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Husbands?**

**Where are you?**

**I could really use your help getting Shaun ready before we go.**

**Darlings…?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I told you. John was deflowering me.**

**Well. No actual flowers were involved.**

**But it was my first experience of carnal knowledge as a legally wedded, recently rescued princess.**

**Fortunately, I had loads of unmarried sex, so I knew what to expect. ;)**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my God.**

**You weren’t joking.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Of course I wasn’t.**

**Also a thing happened.**

**Don’t be mad.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh shit.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Mycroft found John and me in the study.**

**Talking.**

**While John had me bent over the desk.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh dear God.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**It was AMAZING.**

**John was brilliant. Didn’t miss a beat.**

**Just glared at Mycroft and said, ‘Do you mind? We’re trying for a second baby.’**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**BAHAHAHA**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I have good days.**

**We’d come down, but we’re a bit….**

**I mean, we didn’t quite undress, first.**

**There was….**

**Things got….**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**We reek of sex and I came in my pants.**

**We are hiding until everyone goes away or dies of boredom.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Be up with washcloths as soon as Shaun’s done feeding.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**You’re an angel.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**That’s my girl.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**IF, Sherlock, you tell us what you were going to say earlier.**

**About your feelings.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**You _wouldn’t._**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I’m going to die up here.**

**Tell Shaun I loved him.**

**Second Baby, too, if there is one.**

**If only I’d lived long enough to find out….**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**John, you’re a drama queen.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**:O**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Sherlock, the sooner you spit it out, the sooner I’ll come up, you’ll come down, and we’ll all go home and, well, *come*.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**FINE.**

**I feel heard.**

**Seen.**

_**Loved.** _

**By both of you.**

**I never thought I would marry.**

**I certainly never dreamed I would have children.**

**I know I’m a rubbish husband and a worse father--I’m impulsive and irritable and rude and messy and distracted and full of wobblies and my concept of where I can and cannot bring our baby bears revising, or so you’ve told me at great length and volume--but you still treat me like I matter.**

**You still choose to be my family.**

**I feel… stunned.**

**And lucky.**

**Very, very lucky.**

**Now can I please have that washcloth??**

**Things are stuck to… things.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, Sherlock.**

**Coming up now.**

**Expect hugs.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Way ahead of you.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**The things I suffer just to belong to you people.**

_**Honestly.** _

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**♥**

**Time to get you both home and get you your Father’s Day presents.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**:D!!!!**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Excellent.**

**There is loud sex--and revenge on a chatty landlady--to be had.**

**The game is _on_.**

 


	5. The Luckiest Male Princess in London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary is in a Mood, John makes his case for being Man of the House, and Sherlock is besieged by Fig Rolls.

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Hello, spouses.**

**Would either of you care to tell me why I have arrived home to find Fig Rolls in the kitchen?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Fig what?**

**No idea. I’m still at work.**

**Just ignore them, and when I get home, I’ll step on them.**

**Or swat them.**

**Or whatever it is the man of the house is supposed to do to fig… things.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**They’re _biscuits_ , John.**

**You know, you’ve lost mental acuity in the last two weeks.**

**Suspect the increase in legal spouses and sexual experiences is to blame.**

**It’s quite noticeable.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Worth it.**

**Ignore the biscuits. I’ll drown them in milk when I get home.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**How have you never heard of Fig Rolls?**

**And how are _you_ the man of the house??**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**I bought them.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**How had YOU never heard of James Bond?**

**And you were more than happy to be a princess, when it got you rescued. ;)**

**Plus there’s your hair conditioning regimen….**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**You _bought_ them?**

**On PURPOSE??**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Yes. Well.**

**James Bond is irrelevant to the Work.**

**Fig Rolls, however, are a poison more foul than any other I have encountered.**

**And what’s wrong with conditioner, Mr. ‘I Put Product In My Hair’?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yes, I put product in my hair.**

**That’s normal, Sherlock.**

**But forty-five minutes in the bathroom with a tube of ‘hyper-hydrating crème’ and a blow dryer with a 150 quid diffuser?**

**Sorry, Princess, but you’re out of the running for Man of the House.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**The shop was out of chocolate. Go away.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I am appalled that you are willing to fall back on such a narrow definition of masculinity—one to which you do not subscribe, no less—for the sake of this argument.**

**Is that really what you want to model for our son?**

**Besides, this morning, I had to wash my hair in the kitchen sink.**

**With dishsoap.**

**Because _someone_ was having an hour-long bath.**

**By candlelight.**

**In Mary’s lavender bubbles.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**My, you’re in a mood.**

**Anyway, I made you a list.**

**I requested chocolate biscuits.**

**CHOCOLATE.**

**And you brought me Fig Rolls.**

**If you want to kill me painfully, Mary, I can suggest several methods that I would find vastly preferable.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I really shouldn’t be texting so much at work.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I believe this is the part where I beat my chest and proclaim victory.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, now who’s stereotyping men?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I am on a walk with the baby.**

**Who is cutting his first tooth.**

**Which I only realised after Shaun—bubbly, smiley, sleepy, stocky, giggly, not-even-a-little-fussy seriously-how-did-two-people-as-mental-as-John-and-me-make-this-easy-baby Shaun—cried for three solid hours.**

**Which made me cry.**

**So yes, Sherlock, I am in a mood.**

**We walked to Tesco for Orajel (and, incidentally, your bloody biscuits).**

**We cried the whole way there.**

**We cried the whole way home.**

**I put some Orajel on his gums.**

**I took him for a walk.**

**We have been walking for forty-five minutes.**

**We are still crying.**

**My back feels full of angry stones.**

**My front feels full of sobbing six-month-old.**

**If I wanted to kill you painfully, I’d come home and make you listen to our collective misery.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’ll be right there.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Have to go, our wife and child need me.**

**Apparently they are in tears. I shall swoop in and rescue them.**

**Such is the burden of being Man of the House.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh, sod right off.**

**You’re probably the one who made them cry.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Surprisingly, no.**

**Can’t wait to see you tonight.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Same here. I’ll try to sneak out early.**

**Tell Mary and Shaun I’m thinking of them.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**On my way.**

 

*

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Nearly home. Everything all right?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Shaun is asleep on Mary.**

**Mary is asleep on me.**

**I was asleep on your flag pillow but your text woke me.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Sorry. :(**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**No, it’s fine.**

**Shaun is cutting his first tooth.**

**He and Mary were both unhappy, and seeing that was… unhappy.**

**Crying appears to have a 100% transmission rate, when exposed to it by one’s beloveds.**

**We were all quite exhausted by the time Shaun fell asleep.**

**Which was odd, now that I think about it. Mary doesn’t usually nap when Shaun and I do.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Did you just apply disease theory to tears?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I can’t think why I shouldn’t. Emotion and disease are each contaminants, inconvenient, and, despite my best efforts, impossible to avoid.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Love you, too.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**And my conditioning crème?**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**And your conditioning crème, Your Highness.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I am the luckiest male princess in London.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**And the prettiest. ;)**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Oh God.**

**Shaun just woke up.**

**That’s his teething cry.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my god I can hear it from outside.**

**I’m turning around.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**DON’T YOU DARE**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Think I’ll get myself some chocolate biscuits.**

**Eat them all on the way home, text you about how good they are.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**JOHN HAMISH WATSON YOU WILL COME UPSTAIRS THIS INSTANT**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**And if I don’t?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**That drawer in the refrigerator?**

**The one you labelled JESUS CHRIST SHERLOCK PUT **ALL** YOUR CREEPY SHIT IN HERE OR SO HELP ME?**

**I will empty it into the bathtub.**

**Doubt even lavender will wash away the smell….**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Coming right up.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**No, on second thought, do go and do the shopping.**

**We need biscuits.**

**Mary ate all the Fig Rolls.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Ha, *Mary* took care of the dreaded Fig Rolls for you?**

**Looks like you’ve been out-Man of the House’d. ;)**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**It’s quite odd. She doesn’t even care for Fig Rolls.**

**OH.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John, while you’re doing the shopping, pick up a pregnancy test.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**OH.**

**You didn’t think she’d want to be the one to tell us?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Damn.**

**Pretend I didn’t say anything.**

**When she tells us, act surprised.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Nope.**

**We aren’t lying anymore, remember?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Shit. Shit. Bollocks.**

**_Shit_** **.**

**John, I don’t know how to fix this.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**All right, well, start by calming down.**

**I’m sure it’ll be fine.**

**Whatever you do, don’t panic and wake her up to talk to her.**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Care to explain to me why our husband just woke me up, told me I was pregnant with our child, told me that he’d told *you*, apologised, looked at his mobile, squeaked, and ran off?**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**As you would say, I would explain, but I promise, it won’t help.**

**Be home in half an hour or so. Been sent on a biscuit quest.**

**Can’t wait to celebrate with you.**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I HAVE RUINED EVERYTHING FOREVER**

**AGAIN**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I don’t know. You haven’t heard Shaun’s teething cry yet.**

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**No you haven’t.**

**Take a deep breath.**

**Go cuddle with Mary. That always calms you down.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh god.**

**I have, actually.**

**I can hear it from outside. D:**

**Remind me why we’re having another?**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Because babies are charismatic little shits, and for some reason, we want one that’s half Sherlock.**

**Who’s come back. And is cuddling. And complaining that he doesn’t ‘cuddle’.**

**And I was able to snuggle Shaun back to sleep.**

**All is right with the world.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Thank god.**

**Back soon.**

**With biscuits. :)**


	6. Shit Volcanoes and Sugarhighs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mary comes prepared, John sends Shaun off for a day with Uncle Mycroft, and Sherlock hits the chocolate biscuits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three things:
> 
> 1) I am posting from the air WE LIVE IN THE FUTURE.
> 
> 2) Mention of gunplay in this chapter--none depicted, but figured I'd mention it in case it's an all-caps #NOPE for you. 
> 
> 3) Thank you so much for reading, everyone. <3
> 
> (Ooh--ps: a shout-out to Batik for the tip about the strained peas! Her stories gave me giggles, so I thought I'd share the glee. ^_^)

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Hey, you two.**

**How’s the appointment going?**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Doctor’s running late.**

**Sherlock has mocked every single piece of literature in this room.**

**And deduced (and, consequently, alienated) every human being, as well.**

**So it’s going normally, actually.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I am trapped in an obstetric waiting room full of harried mothers--two of whom are having extramarital affairs, one of whom has yet to discover that she is diabetic, and another who will have what will no doubt be a very interesting time explaining her pregnancy to her wife--and squawking children who neither belong to me nor possess any information regarding criminal activities.**

**Believe me.**

**I asked.**

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh god.**

**Make sure no one murders him, will you?**

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**There isn’t even any reason for us to be here.**

**I said that Mary is pregnant.**

**The stick said that Mary is pregnant.**

**Why do we need yet another confirmation??**

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’ll do my best, but you know how he is.... ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**The appointment’s important, Sherlock.**

**Sticks can be wrong.**

**YOU can be wrong.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**RUDE.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan

**D’you have your gun?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Bet you’re sorry you missed out on all this with Shaun. ;)**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**What?**

**Why would I bring my gun to an ob-gyn appointment?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**It did not occur to me at the time that I would be welcome.**

**I perceived myself as… less important to the two--the three--of you than I later discovered was the case.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh.**

**So you were wrong?**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**So it’s in your purse, then.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**What?**

**No! Of course not!**

**I was merely… not yet right.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’m a former assassin with one socially abrasive husband and one anger management issues husband, both of whom like to hunt down criminals.**

**Of course it’s in my purse.**

**:-***

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**It’s all right, Sherlock.**

**Even geniuses get it wrong, sometimes.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**That’s my girl. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I despise you.**

**Did Mycroft come by for Shaun yet?**

**Rather sorry that I won’t get to see his desire to be a dutiful uncle do battle with his revulsion for small children.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah.**

**Shaun filled his diaper the minute Mycroft picked him up.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**That’s my boy. ;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh!**

**Speaking of things in your purse.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You should’ve seen Mycroft’s face.**

**I never thought I could be so proud of my son for taking a shit.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**I... may have fed Shaun more of those strained peas this morning.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Did you bring your cocks, too?**

**Have the house to myself and thought I’d have a wank, but I can’t find either of them.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Oh my god.**

**You DIDN’T.**

**Sherlock, you know damn well that feeding him those things is basically creating a biological weapon.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Mycroft had it coming.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’ve got the leopard print bag with me, but the one from Christmas is under Sherlock’s pillow.**

**He’s like a cat hiding its favourite toy, I swear to God.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Well, there goes Mycroft’s suit.**

**Ten quid says he doesn’t last the day.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Ah! There it is.**

**Thanks.**

**Hope you put the one you brought with you to good use. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Twenty says he doesn’t last the hour.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**Oh, I will. O: )**

**Sherlock will need to be punished, the way he’s behaved here.**

 

From: John Watson 

To: Sherlock Holmes

**You’re on.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**I’m not sure you’ve quite grasped what Sherlock considers ‘punishment.’**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’ll just have to grasp something else to make up for it.**

**;)**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Yeah, definitely going to have a wank now.**

**Good luck with His Highness.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**He’s stopped antagonising the children and pregnant women.**

**He’s moved on to sulking and stress eating.**

**He’s got his feet up on his chair, and he’s on his third pack of penguin biscuits.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Oh god.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I know.**

**He’s always a pain in the arse, but on a sugarhigh?**

**He will definitely need to be punished.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Your child is defective.**

**I will be returning him post-haste.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**VICTORY IS MINE**

**Well. And the Shit Volcano’s.**

**He really is a most excellent baby.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Shit.**

**Think I have time to get off before Mycroft gets back?**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Pay up, Captain Tinyhands.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Do have him examined by an impartial doctor.**

**He’s… flatulent.**

**And defecates with an enthusiasm that is utterly gauche.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, never mind.**

**Limp as a wet rag now.**

**Maybe I’ll take Shaun to the park.**

**Don’t think I’ll want to be trapped indoors with him.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**I’ll pay you in sex later, Princess.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**Funny, he’s never like that with us.**

**He must’ve been saving it for you. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**Sex will suffice.**

**We’ve finally been called in.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: John Watson

**Good Lord.**

**I cannot fathom why you three are having another.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mycroft Holmes

**You know?**

**Wait. What am I saying?**

**Of course you know.**

 

From: Mycroft Holmes

To: John Watson

**Let us hope that the next one is more… continent.**

**And taller.**

**Out front now. Please retrieve your child at your earliest convenience.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson

**Right. Off to get Shaun from downstairs.**

**Have fun punishing Sherlock.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Sherlock Holmes

**Good luck.**

**Try not to be a *complete* dickhead.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson

**I’m very good at punishing him, but not very good at making him sorry. ;)**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson

**John! You wound me.**

**It’s as though you don’t know my methods at all. ;)**

 

*

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**SHORT HUSBAND**

**We are done appointment-ing.**

**Also Mary informs me that I am ‘extremely sugarhigh.’**

**She says she has a plan to punish me for being a dickhead.**

**And for deliberately causing the Shit Volcano to erupt.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Wait wait wait.**

**‘Short Husband’?**

**That’s not fair!**

**Mary can get away with that, barely, but I’m your ONLY husband.**

**You’ve no excuse, Sherlock.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**I’ve every excuse.**

**To wit: you are, in fact, short.**

**And my husband.**

**Hence, Short Husband.**

**Anyway, as usual, I was right.**

**We’re pregnant!**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

***I’m* pregnant.**

**I didn’t see you throwing up this morning. :p**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Harrumph.**

**Since we’re being pedantic, Mary is pregnant.**

**And has been since we were in Sussex, apparently.**

**Well done, me.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Tall Baby is due 28 February.**

**We are going to have a thirteen-month-old and a newborn.**

**At the same time.**

**If any of us manages to be bored, I will be very, very impressed.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Oh for god’s sate.**

***Skate**

****SAKE BLOODY GODDAMN AUTOCORRECT**

**Sorry. So sorry.**

**Anyway.**

**Why does the new baby get to be Tall Baby??**

**It’s shorter than Shaun.**

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**Not for long. ;)**

**Must dash. Mary’s dragging me into an alley.**

**Based on the contents of her purse, she’s either going to kill me or fuck me.**

**Curious as to how she might accomplish either, frankly.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Have fun.**

**I’m going to take Shaun to the playground and try to pretend, just for a few minutes, that we are a *remotely* normal family.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Enjoy the fantasy while it lasts. ;)**

**Be home after I shag the sugarhigh out of His Royal Highness.**

**Love you. :-***

 

From: Sherlock Holmes

To: John Watson, Mary Morstan Watson

**YOU WILL NEVER STOP MY SUGARHIGH**

**I AM UN-DE-SUGARHIGH-ABLE**

**Also, John: I need your help.**

**Mary is in fact going to fuck me (excellent), but refuses to do so with her gun if it’s loaded (irritating).**

**Explain to her that I am right and she is wrong.**

 

From: John Watson

To: Mary Morstan Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Yeah, no.**

**Mary is right.**

**You’re wrong.**

**And we’re really just not normal at all.**

**Think I can live with that. ;)**

**See you when you get home, maniacs.**

 

From: Mary Morstan Watson

To: John Watson, Sherlock Holmes

**Aww.**

**We love you too, Captain Anger Management Issues.**

**All three of us.**

**♥**


End file.
